I heard your car pull up. It was the first time I’d ever wished I had thumbs, at least then I’d have a chance to clean all this up; I knew I was about to be in a lot of trouble. I knew your routine, you’d sit in the car long enough to listen to whatever crazy song was on, get out, walk to the mailbox, sit on the front porch and go through the mail while smoking a cigarette, dump the junk mail in the trashcan, then enter the house, call my name, put your stuff on the table, and shower me with kisses and belly rubs, talking to me in that stupid little baby voice I truly hate.
Only today, well, today, I’m pretty sure I’m not going to get the kisses or belly rubs or that insane voice of yours as you tell me what a good girl I am. Nope, today, I’m pretty sure I’ll get that rolled up newspaper that scares the bark right out of me.
I really couldn’t help it. If I could tell you my story, you’d probably think it was funny and maybe you wouldn’t be mad at me when you come in. Unfortunately, I have lost the proof, and all I have now is a tail stuck between my legs and a sure look of guilt in my eyes as I slink around the table to watch you through the window.
Yeah, you just opened the car door, stretched, and now you’re headed to the mailbox. Won’t be long now. Some people don’t think we know when we’ve done something wrong – let me tell you, that’s a load of kibbles. We aren’t as stupid as those trainers want you to think we are.
The Dog Whisperer would say I was bored today. That left to my own devices without anything to chew on or play with, I got bored and decided to chew everything in sight and totally destroy the house. This isn’t the truth of the matter. The truth? Well, where should I begin?
I was spread out on the couch; yes, I know I’m not supposed to be up there, but trust me, on a day like this one, that is the least of my sins. Where was I? Oh, yes, laying on the couch – so I was laying there, enjoying the warmth of the sunlight coming in the window. I was almost asleep, had very nearly started to snore even, when something touched me! Not just touched, it ran across me!
It was that nasty little critter you keep screaming about, what did you call it? Oh, yea, a mouse. Well, I instantly remembered the way you stood on the table last night, screaming at it. I know you were trying to seem kind of scary, tall and very big, but really, I could smell your fear.
So, I decided if I could kill the thing, then you wouldn’t have any reason to be afraid. I thought you might even get me some of those special treats I love – the ones that smell like chocolate. So I jumped from the couch; in my mad scramble, my claws dug in and the cushions came off the couch. Well, that big-eared freak took off. I don’t know how such a little thing can move so fast, but by the time I followed it into the kitchen, it was sitting on top of the counter staring at me.
I did not stand on the counter, I swear, but I did kind of put both of my front paws up there and try to get the mouse. In the process, we (the mouse and me) knocked a lot of things off the counter. I really didn’t mean to break the coffee pot, or your little glass serving plate. The paper towels unwound themselves, and I’m pretty sure one end got stuck on the bottom of my paw.
That mouse jumped to the stove, then through the doorway to the dining room. I tried not to chase it – I knew I’d already made enough of a mess. I sat still, trying to talk myself out of it, I really did. Then it peeked around the corner at me and my chase instinct kicked in and I just couldn’t help it. I knocked over the dining chairs as I charged around the table, the paper towels following; and when I turned right into the living room, I really tried to slow down, but it was too late, I was already sliding, my legs going every which way on that stupid slippery tile. I crashed straight into your plant stand. The big one on top came down right on me; must there really be that much dirt for a plant to survive?
Devil mouse was perched in the window, looking down at me with big eyes, whiskers twitching. I slunk across the room, thinking for sure I had it trapped. Surely it wouldn’t have anywhere else to go. I really didn’t know they could climb. But it did, straight up the curtains, which may I say, really impressed me, briefly, before I realized that if it got up there to the top, I’d never catch it.
I swear I wasn’t thinking straight when I chomped down on the bottom of your new window coverings and took off running. Once they were on the floor I dug around in them, thinking surely it would be trapped. How wrong I was – It got away. I don’t know where it went after that. As I stood there, I heard your car pull in.
So you see, it wasn’t my fault, really. I mean, I’m a dog, right? And I have a hunter’s instinct. I just hope you know that when you… oh, no, there you are!
“Xena! You are a bad, bad girl!”
I can’t do anything but hang my head and hope you might forgive me… but if I ever see that little demon again…